The infinite monkey theory suggests that an
infinite number of simians, given an infinite number of
typewriters, and an infinite amount of time, would eventually produce the
complete works of Shakespeare. That’s as may be but fairly early on in the
process I’m sure they would knock out the script for London Has Fallen.
I get that the monkeys are a metaphor for
randomness and I am merely trying to extend that metaphor by suggesting that
this film is staggeringly random. It’s not really a story; it’s just stuff that
happens in front of the camera while Gerard Butler grunts and punches his way
from one explosion to the next.
This is of course the sequel to Olympus Has Fallen, a film of staggering dim-wittedness in its own
right but it’s like Citizen Kane
compared to this. This is a film so nuanced that Butler's character refers to the terrorists as coming from 'F***headistan'.
Having survived the carnage of the first film US
President Aaron Eckhart, the world’s unluckiest chief executive, is heading for
London and the funeral of the late and not terribly lamented British prime
minister. Every head of state in the world is there and they have no sooner
pulled up at Westminster Abbey than it all starts to go sideways big time as
terrorists get their revenge for the drone strike which starts the picture.
Just about every landmark you can think of blows
up with uncanny synchronicity, each timed to take out the world leader who just
happens to be standing in front of it at the time. Eckhart and his trusty
bodyguard Butler fight their way back to their helicopter as London blows up
around them. Even in the skies they are not safe from Stinger missiles.
My favourite moment in the film is when Angela
Bassett doing her best Admiral Ackbar impression announces ‘It’s a trap’ as the
missiles head towards them. That kind of insight, I thought, is why she is head
of the Secret Service.
With the chopper downed, Eckhart and Butler have
to make their way through a curiously deserted city as terrorists on trail
bikes hunt them down.
It’s dull stuff throughout. I stopped worrying
about the inaccuracies and inconsistencies. The state funeral, for example,
appears to have been thrown together rather ignoring the fact that every
country has plans for these events and rehearses them rigorously. Likewise the
Metropolitan Police seem particularly ineffective; I know they’ve had their
moments but even on their worst day I’m confident they’d be better than this.
And there is the inevitable mole. In what appears
to be a developing modern trope they have followed the example of Spectre by making it the one who looks
most like George Osborne. Perhaps I should have said ‘spoiler alert’ there but
it is so inconsequential that I can’t believe anyone will care by the time it’s
revealed.
There is nothing I like more than a good action
film. I can be relied on to stop channel-surfing if I come across the first two
Die Hard movies or the first two Terminator films or Independence Day, but London Has Fallen is so uninvolving it
is hard to get worked up about.
It has no light or shade. It is leaden-footed from
start to finish and the CGI looks fake and unreal.
I wondered which master of the modern craft had
served up this gem, especially since it is billed immediately after the title
as ‘A film by Babak Najafi’. No, me neither. A quick squizz at imdb reveals
that he has done a couple of episodes of Banshee;
ah, that Babak Najafi. Kudos to his agent for the possessory credit and kudos
to Babak for being willing to take the blame.
A final thought about marketing. I noticed that
the tag line on the posters says ‘Prepare for bloody hell’. They don’t really need the first two words.
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